When He Said Live - I Had to Breath . . .

I started this blog post over 4 years ago. I really thought that I might never finish it.....For all this time, I've had the title and many thoughts, but just never put it together.

Fast forward November 2016, During my 30 Days of Thankful, when I was once again, not blogging, God began to stir my heart. For the first 3 years of this Blog, it was private and by invitation only. I did this because I shared a lot of intimate things that I didn't  want everyone to read. There are some personal things and information about my boys. Then I decided that I should share. Those who were reading seemed to be getting something from my thoughts, so I made it public. I say all that to say that it will remain public, but I will be sharing personal experiences and thoughts. Not to bring attention to me or to dwell on the negative, but to bring glory to God and hopefully show all that He's done in my life, in spite of my human frailty.

These posts may not relate or even interest you and that's ok, but I felt that some may need to know they are not alone. 

Over the next posts, I will be sharing my story, Andrew's story, Ways that God revealed himself to my family and other topics as God directs. It won't all be super serious, I also love to share things about Jules, my church kids, recipes and just about life. 

Ok all that being said, this post is called "When He Said Live, I Had to Breath"

In 2007, this song was released by a group called TK McRae. They are no longer singing, but this song has become an anthem in my life. I feel as though I could have written it myself.

They were at a Gospel Concert that I went to in March of that year. I heard this song for the first time and was so moved that at intermission, I went to the lead singer and told her how God had moved during that song, a little about myself and that it could have been written by me. This led to her calling on me to testify in front of a very large crowd and I did. It was a victorious turning point in my life......

Now the back story, for most of my life, as long as I can remember, I have suffered from depression. Most of those years, I knew nothing about depression, that it existed or that all the sadness, fear and inadequacy I felt was caused by it. When I first was officially diagnosed, I had learned that people suffered from depression. I wholeheartedly supported their need for medicine, therapy, a combination, or whatever it took..... For THEM, whatever was needed, by all means get help..... I had also learned that for most Christians and certainly by the church in general, depression wasn't an illness, but "sin-sickness", that required a closer relationship to God and more faith. Since almost all of my life, I'd felt inadequate and never quite good enough, I couldn't possibly need MEDS.......I would just need to work on getting closer to God.......Well after almost a year, I relented and asked God to forgive me and began taking meds and participating in therapy with the boys.  The boys, who by this time were ALL on some type of medicine and went to therapy at least once a week. Believe me, I heard from many that I would regret both..... Never for one moment have I regretted getting them the help they needed. But back to me, I very very carefully began to speak a little about myself going on meds. There was, thankfully some support, but there were also those who expressed great concern that I had become, one of "those" and they would pray that God would "deliver me" and I would no longer need them.... This was difficult and over time, I began to make it seem to most, that I no longer had to take them. I did and I still do. I thank God for those meds and that I no longer place my value or rate my testimony on whether or not I need them!!!

In 2003, as most know my oldest son passed away. I had quit my job in 2000, to be with him. It was what I wanted and knew was necessary. But my only identity as a success was and had always been my work. I'd had good positions with lots of responsibility and had always done the very best job that I could. Being a person who craved approval, I always wanted to be the best. When I left the workplace, of course, I had a full time job as a mom and a wife and did whatever side work that I could. Unfortunately, I always felt that I fell short. Being a mom of 3 special needs kids and one of them with a serious illness made me feel, like I could never be enough. There wasn't enough of me to be the Superwoman, I'd always tried to be......Thankfully, I eventually fell into a groove and tried to be the best mom and wife that I could. For the last 6 months of Andrews life, he got all of me. Sadly, as in many cases when you have a sick child, I only had scraps for not only Zachary and Anthony, but also for Jeff....everyone else, including myself, just had to accept the little or nothing, I could give.  I don't regret any of the precious moments that I was allowed to give Andrew. I would never ever trade that time. His life...and death changed me and made me who I am today. It just took a while to see that. 

July 2003 - So Andrew is now basking in the glory of heaven. I have time to devote to my 2 other precious boys and my marriage. Sounded great. Not as easy as I thought. Once again, my identity was in caring for Andrew. I gave it EVERYTHING, I had. What do I do now.... I quickly began caring for a special needs baby, doing side jobs from home and trying to give attention to my family. But deep in my heart, I was depressed. I totally trusted God. I knew this was all His will, but my marriage was suffering as many do after the death of a child. I felt like I was failing everyone. Loneliness and a feeling that I was lost  - Jodi no longer existed. I sought help, took meds, but secretly wanted to end my life. In the darkness of night, I would beg God to take me. I felt that everyone would be better off. I couldn't bear the thought of taking my life, after all my boys had lost so much, how could they live with that. That thought and hanging on to God with everything I had, kept me from taking my life. However, I stilled begged God to take me. I had suffered physical injuring and subsequent pain from taking a care of Andrew, carrying him, his wheelchairs and I took a pretty bad fall trying to keep him from getting hurt. That coupled with the only coping mechanism I'd ever depended on was food, I gained to weigh an astonishing 466 pounds. Life was miserable. All the insecurities that I was never good enough, were seemingly all true......

Then one night as I laid in bed awake, lonely, hurting, begging God to take my life....He said LIVE, GET UP AND BREATH...Your boys need you and I can't use you, unless you trust me...TRUST ME, with everything!!!

For the first time in so long, I felt that there was hope. By this time, it was 2005. Just over 2 years had passed since Andrew had died. I felt like I'd been wandering in the deep, dark dessert and now I could see some light. Please don't misunderstand, I was trying my best to hang on to God. I knew He loved me and somehow I knew He still cared, but the depression and every human doubt I have had, were consuming me.

Within a week or so, I began going to Weight Watchers. I lost very little weight in the 6 week plan, but I was determined. I went to my Doctor and told him honestly how truly depressed I was. He listened, helped with adjusting my meds and encouraged me. Not just to lose weight, but to find myself and love every moment that I had to give my boys. I say boys because by that time, I believe I was already losing Jeff. I place no blame. Our life was hard and we both suffered great hurt. I had to just focus on me and being there for the boys. I prayed God would heal our marriage and I just had to trust... After nearly a year, I lost about 80 pounds. I felt like I had a new perspective and was trying my best to be a better person - physically, mentally, spiritually. MANY other things happened over the next 1-1/2 - 2 years. Bottom line I needed to go back to work. It had been almost 7 years since I worked outside the home, I was nearly 40 years old and financially, I NEEDED a job. Thus began a nearly 11 month process. Probably 1000 resumes sent, many, many interviews, some job prospects.....but still NO JOB. 

In this process, my marriage dissolved almost completely. I eventually got a job in September 2007, but I've jumped ahead.

March 2007, Debbie and I planned an entire day out. Dinner, shopping, the Gospel concert. I was so happy when we got there and I could actually "fit" in the chair. I'd had an experience before I started losing weight that resulted in my entire family enjoying 3rd row seats at a comedy show, while I sat alone at the back of the theater in a seat that I could fit in. When Annie McRae asked me to testify, I was reluctant, but knew I had to give God ALL the glory!!! I testified that God had told me to breath! That He gave me strength to carry on! I even shared that I'd lost enough weight to fit in the auditorium chairs!!! WHAT??? Did I actually tell 200 strangers about all of that?!?!? 

Since that time, I lost another 90 pounds. Unfortunately, I've gained back about 40, but I'm a work in progress and I'm not giving up!! My back problems, chronic pain, degenerative arthritis and other complications, caused me to have to go on disability and lose a lot of water aerobic time. I'm finally at a point that I am trying to resume being more active, limited as it might have to be and resuming a better eating plan, that I've tried and know works. I still struggle with depression. I take my meds as directed. I try to keep my nose in the Word and focus on the positive. I still run to food as a way to feel better, knowing it will really only make me feel worse in the end. I'm trying and I'm trusting. I'm not perfect, but I'm trusting in the One who is! 

I'd like to share the song that means so much to me. I pray it will speak to you. I know this is a long, long....long post, but please know that I'm sharing to help you. Depression is a disease, requiring treatment, just like any other disease. It doesn't make you less of a Christian and it doesn't make God any less God! No matter where you are When He says Live......Breath...

https://youtu.be/lBBoqZCmZcc

Grace Flows Down.....and covers me...

It's been a while since a BLOG post, so here it goes!

God is so good to us! That phrase has become over used and unfortunately sometimes cliché, but it is still so true. He loves us and provides for us. He disciplines and convicts us. He forgives us and restores us. No one else in our lives, shows the love and grace that God shows. He is SO good!

The last couple months have been somewhat trying and wonderful all at the same time. We had an awesome VBS where 10 - TEN souls were saved! I'm sure more lives were changed and challenged. I enjoyed LOTS of family time and even a few adventures. We went to the Wildlife Safari and the Toledo Zoo. We had a surprise birthday party for my sister and spent 2 holiday weekends with food, fun and fellowship with the people I love. Sometimes when I feel like life is consuming me and I'm overwhelmed, I like to go to my Facebook page. I look back through my pictures and God reminds me how very blessed my life really is! 

In May, I got to go to a family reunion in Tennessee. I saw family and friends and got to spend precious time with my mom, Debbie and Anthony. I was reminded that my dad is really a rock in our family and we got a bonus "Monday Funday". These are the times that I pray show Jules how much she's loved and build the relationship that keeps us close her entire life!

I am so blessed with the ministry at our church. I love my BK's. I see God moving in their lives! Our teens are seeking knowledge and desire to grow. Sometimes Satan tries to blind us with obstacles or negatives, he is very good at this job. This morning after talking to my sister and doing my devotions, I was overwhelmed with excitement for our church and God's kingdom! We have so much work to do. Sadly, we also have few who will do it. That sometimes makes the journey hard and discouraging. But it also gives us opportunities to stretch ourselves and step up in ways we never imagined. God is moving in our church, not just ours but many churches across our world. It's easy to compare and complain and find fault, but that's the enemy. That's his job and like I already said, he's very good. But GOD IS ALSO GOOD, actually He's "GOODER"!! I know thats not a word, but I hope you get my drift! 😃

Life is not easy. I know more people facing challenges (financial , marital, emotional, physical, spiritual) than ever in my life. I'm so thankful for God's word and its promises. And that I know they are true!!

I'm so thankful that no matter what life throws or how difficult it may be, God's grace flows down and it covers me! (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Andrew - Happy 24th Birthday in Heaven

24 years ago today, a sweet boy with big green eyes came into the world. By all accounts, his first 4 years were cruel and inhuman. Then for 2 years, he was separated from his brother, who was more like a twin. At age 6, he came into my life. It was the first time in 2 years, that he was able to live with his brother. So many things had happened in his life, I wasn't sure he would ever see me as mom, that we would ever bond.....I was just happy to see him with Zachary. Their bond was undeniable....

God had such a big plan, more than I ever imagined.

2 years later, when I already knew in my heart that Andrew was another of the blessings that I had prayed for, we got a diagnosis....Muscular Dystrophy with several complications. Over the next 3 years, an indescribable bond developed, as my Drewby and I faced unbelievable things.....things no child or mom ever want to go through. But those things, that seemed so horrible, allowed God to make Drew my son, my very best friend, but most importantly I became his Mama. 

Andrew left this world on June 29, 2003. He was 11. It will be 13 years this year. Sometimes, I still can't believe he's gone...gone already for so long. Always, I thank God that I got to be his mom. Thankful, that although his 11 years on this earth, were painful, physically and mentally, almost every day, he is now in Heaven, rejoicing and pain free. Selfishly, I wish he was here, but I would never bring him back.....I just long to see him again some day. Thank God, I know I will.

I love all my boys, each is special in their own way, but Drew and I spent every moment together the last 6 months of his life. He never complained, he never questioned, he only assured me that he was going home. What a testimony!! 

What a precious gift from God. So irreplaceable to me, yet thrown away by others. 

He was - and is - an unexpected blessing. He taught me about the faith of a child. To trust, even when it is hard.

Happy Birthday in Heaven my sweet boy!! I'll see you again....I can't wait!!

Still Small Voice

40 Days of Reflection 

Although Zachary and I were home sick today, our Small Group Children's Church lesson was the conclusion of the story of Elijah. This is one of my top five favorite Old Testament stories. Last week we learned about how Elijah stood for God against the prophets of Baal, Ahab and Jezebel. He was the catalyst for God to prove before all the people that He was the TRUE God of Heaven. This week was the lesson was that even after all that, Elijah felt alone and afraid and went off by himself. God took care of him and Elijah waited to hear from God. Elijah saw many loud and powerful signs, but God was not in them. Finally, God sent a still small voice and Elijah heard from God.

 (‭1 Kings‬ ‭19‬:‭11-13‬a NLT)

“Go out and stand before me on the mountain,” the LORD told him. And as Elijah stood there, the LORD passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. Then Elijah heard it,"

Many times we search for God in the BIG, extreme signs. Sometimes, God speaks in the quiet that causes us to really be listening. Recently, God has spoken to me about BIG things, but He has spoken in very subtle ways.

Sometimes we are discouraged when we think God isn't there. We think we can't see Him at work or hear Him, but He is there. 

Just like Elijah, sometimes in that discouragement, God speaks in a still small voice - after the BIG event has seemed to pass.

I see that Jesus also experienced something similar. After his "Big Reveal" into ministry, his baptism, God spoke through the Holy Spirit, announcing that this was His Son in whom he was very pleased. Then Jesus was sent into the wilderness, alone and tempted by the devil. I'm sure it was very quiet and maybe God's voice wasn't easily heard. But God sent His Angels to comfort and attend to him. Even though, Jesus may have felt alone and and tired, God was there and taking care of His needs.

Mark 1:9-13

9 At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. 10 Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. 11 And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”

12 At once the Spirit sent him out into the wilderness, 13 and he was in the wilderness forty days, being tempted[a] by Satan. He was with the wild animals, and angels attended him.

There are many unknowns in my life, just as there are in others. Sometimes I feel like for every exciting "Mt Carmel" experience , I then feel alone and scared. Or every time, I feel like God may be pleased with something that I've done, the devil tempts me to believe that I am a failure. I'm thankful that like Elijah and Jesus and a host of other spiritual ancestors that have felt the same way, God was always there!!

This Lent I want to listen, so I can hear the still small voice. I pray you can do the same!

A New Start

40 Days of Reflection

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (‭1 John‬ ‭1‬:‭9‬ HCSB)

This has always been one of my favorite verses. It is such a promise and encouragement. We sin daily and knowing that we can be forgiven and cleansed is an undeserved blessing, that we should never take for granted. As a teen, I had a teacher who referred to this verse as the "Christian's Bar of Soap". Just like real soap and bodily cleanliness, we have to use it to get clean! 

Many times we live in our sin, instead of confessing, receiving forgiveness and moving on to do better. 

During this time of Lent, I pray that God will reveal any hidden sins and that I will confess, receive forgiveness and be clean!

This prayer has been included in one of my Lenten readings and the more I pray it, the more God is showing me.

Help me, Lord Jesus, die to self this day. (silence) 

Light of the world, shine into my darkness. (silence) 

Jesus, show me how to serve the members of Your Body. (silence) 

Enliven my spirit as I reveal myself to You in written word. (silence)

I pray that something I share on this Blog will help someone to grow closer to God. Then Easter can be a glorious celebration of our risen Savior and the newness of life we can have in Him! 

All In

40 Days of Reflection

"This lenten season, let’s do more than suspend our vices—let's run to Christ. Let’s be brave, come out of hiding, and be reconciled to Him." Rebecca Faires

Jesus, Keep Me Near the Cross. She Reads Truth - Day 3: Springtime   #shereadstruth

This was in one of my devotions today. It spoke so loudly to me. I don't want Lent to just be another thing I do. I want it to matter and make a difference. With reckless abandon, I want to run to Jesus, press into His holiness and hang on with all my might!!!  

Over the last few weeks and especially yesterday, there have been several prayer concerns that have gripped my heart. Real needs. Health, spiritual, job, future plans, huge decisions, even some matters of life and death.  I'm so thankful that I have a relationship with Jesus that allows me to pray directly to Him with every need. But God isn't just an umbrella for tough times. Our relationship with Him needs to be "all in". Not just during Lent, or at Christmas or at Easter. ALL the time.

So, I am praying that right now, during Lent and every day of my life, I will "run to Christ. Be brave, come out of hiding, and be reconciled to Him." 

I hope this is your prayer too.

Nothing That I Could Have Done

40 Days of Reflection

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. (‭Romans‬ ‭6‬:‭23‬ NLT)

During Lent I find myself looking inwardly and trying to reflect on what God's grace really means. I'm not sure if it's the season, the fact that I give up some distractions or that I am truly seeking God, but it always seems like the reflection always leads to the realization that I am nothing without God. No matter how many good things I do or say. No matter how many "random" acts of kindness, I perform. I will NEVER earn God's grace. But the awesome thing is that I don't need to - it's FREE!!! 

Without a lot of embarrassing detail, let me just say that I know what it's like to live in sin. I even know what it's like to live in sin and go to church every Sunday. I'm not proud of that, but it's helped me be the person I am today. I realize what God saved me from. I can see how others are longing to find peace with God, but try to fulfill that void with everything but God. 

I am so thankful for God's grace and forgiveness. I'm also thankful that NOTHING, that I could've done would be enough. My efforts are flawed at best. God's plan is perfect. He can ALWAYS save a willing heart that accepts His free gift.

Here are words to 2 of my favorite songs - I think they say it better than me.

My prayer is that this season of Lent will draw your closer to Him.

Cornerstone 

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly trust in Jesus name

Christ alone; cornerstone

Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love

Through the storm, He is Lord

Lord of all

Who Am I?

When I'm reminded of His words
I'll leave Him never
If you'll be true I'll give to you life forever
I know there's nothing that I could have done
To deserve God's only Son
To fight my battles until they're won
For who am I?

Who am I that The King would bleed and die for
Who am I that He would pray not my will, Thy Lord
The answer I may never know
Why He ever loved me so
But to that old rugged cross He'd go
For who am I?

Ash Wednesday

40 Days of Reflection - Lent begins today, Ash Wednesday. As a child growing up, we could join with the local Catholic Church to participate in the placement of ashes on our forehead to begin Lent. This was by choice and then we had the option to give something up for those 40 days. I didn't really understand or appreciate this until my mid twenties or early thirties. I have always been protestant and we just didn't put too much emphasis on the "liturgical" or "ritual" practices. About 7 years ago, I came to Grace church and over the last 6 years, some traditional things have been observed and .... I am so thankful!!

Two years ago we did an Ash Wednesday service with our Student Ministries and it was beautiful. I believe it was meaningful to all involved and it was probably the first time some had ever participated. Last year we had one with our Grace Kids and it made an impact on those kids. We encouraged them to "fast" from something or do something positive to show kindness throughout Lent. Due to snow and ice causing our area to be "shut in" tonight, we've postponed our "Ash Wednesday" (well at least the service) until next week. 

As for me, I've given up things that occupy my time like Bejeweled and Yatzee. I hope to use that time for reflection.  I've also chosen 2 different readings for Lent and to do 40 days of reflection on how God has blessed me, despite circumstance and sometimes despite my stubborn sin nature. I've also decided to spend more time in prayer and to make my acts of kindness not so random. Today, as I reflect, I refer back to "timehop". I know that sounds strange, but as I looked back at this day in "my history", I was reminded of how truly blessed I am. From year to year, we sometimes forget what God has done. I am thankful for the small reminders and the big ones too! Whether you participate in a Lenten practice or to whatever extent you do, I pray God's blessing as you reflect, possibly repent and allow God to restore!

Songs, Sharing and Scripture

I mentioned in a Facebook post that I was requesting prayer for a new adventure. Today, that adventure began!!

I'll start at the beginning....20 years ago this year, I moved to Columbia. I started going to Loyal Chapel FWB church. I met a family that had two young daughters. Flash forward to Grace, about 15-16 years later. One of those girls is grown and married and has her own young daughter, and she's one of my Grace Kids! She works at a local Assisted Living Center. Through our Grace Students Deeper Weekend, we worked together for our Students to do a day of service at the Sterling House.  Fast forward again and I was asked yesterday to do a devotional twice a month....starting today!!!!!

This is a little out of my comfort zone and I haven't led singing for a long time, but I anxiously accepted and today was awesome!!!

So for at least the next few months, I will be going to to Sterling House for a bi-monthly time of "Singing, Sharing and Scripture" with some of the sweetest Seniors in town!

Today, we had about 20 seniors and they loved singing and sharing. We sang about 5-6 of the sweet old hymns and shared a little about ourselves and then I spoke about the comfort in God's Word. It was a blessing to me and they expressed that they were blessed, as well.

Please pray for me as I continue in this ministry. I did not see this coming, but I'm excited about this new adventure!

30 days of Thankful

30 Days of Thankful

During the Thanksgiving holiday, we focus on our blessings and express our gratitude to God for them. But thanks should be on our lips every day. We can never say thank you enough to parents, friends, leaders, and especially to God. When thanksgiving becomes an integral part of your life, you will find that your attitude toward life will change. You will become more positive, gracious, loving, and humble.

It is good to give thanks to the LORD, to sing praises to the Most High. It is good to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning, your faithfulness in the evening, (‭Psalms‬ ‭92‬:‭1-2‬ NLT)

 

Every year since the boys were little, we've made it important to take the 30 days of November to remember to be thankful.  I'm sad to say that this is the first year that they haven't been willing participants.  This, however, has not stopped me from being thankful.  I hope that at some point they will join in :-)

 

  Day 1 - I am thankful for my salvation.  I am also challenged this year more than I have been for a while to make sure that everyone knows that Jesus is my Savior.  Not just my friend, prayer partner, umbrella for when times get tough or the guy I think of in church on Sunday.  He IS THE ONLY way for me to have fellowship with the Father and make Heaven my home!!  I know this isn't popular in today's thinking, but it doesn't change that it is the truth.  Jesus is the BEST thing that ever happened to me. He IS my best friend.  I DO call on Him when I am praying and He IS a help in times of trouble.  But all of that is possible, because when I was 10 years old, I asked him to save me and come into my heart (By way of the Holy Spirit),  I have not been perfect and I've still failed Him, but I have tried to live for Him most of my life.  THAT is why He can be all those things to me.  If you don't know Him in a personal way - Today could be the day!!

 Day 2 - Today I am thankful for my boys - ALL of them.  Andrew, Zachary and Anthony have changed my life, over and over again.  Drewby waits in Heaven for me and I can't wait to see his face.  Zachary and Anthony have grown into fine young men (not perfect, but they are a work in progress).  This season of my life is new.  The boys are grown and although in my life that may look a little different than in others, it is still a change from when they were little.  Many of the "growing up" traditions have changed and especially Anthony has begun to develop his own life.  So my life at this point is a single woman, who can no longer work, but isn't free to just do as I please.  My sons are grown, but I am not fully able to just leave them on their own.  It's a strange dynamic, but one that I am sure I will adjust to.  No matter what the future holds, I will always be thankful that in 1998, I went from a newly married woman to a mother of 3 - 2 of which had just started school!  It's been a crazy ride, but I don't think I'd change very much, if I could.

 Day 3 - I am thankful that Heaven is my real home!  This world is just a holding place while my Father prepares my mansion.  I don't really care about the mansion, but I do know that God is preparing a place especially for me.  One day He will send Jesus to take me home.  This is a promise that I can depend on! In John 14, verses 1-3, Jesus tells us that we shouldn't worry, because He's coming back for us and taking us home.  What a great thing to look forward to!!!  Now, that being said, they is lots of work for us to do, while we are here!  I pray that I will do the work God has called me to do, to the best of my ability.  I don't want ANYONE to say that they missed heaven, because "I" didn't tell them!!  I challenge you to do the same!

 Day 4 - Today I am thankful for my 3 closest friends on this earth, Kimberly, Debbie and Rachel.  To say that we have been through a lot together would be a gross understatement!!!  Our friendship had crossed state lines, weathered, sickness, death and all kinds of tragedy.  We have experiences, single life, married life, divorced life, births, adoptions, teenagers and just plain joy along this journey together.  I am truly blessed with many friends.  I am thankful, as some cannot say that.  However, these 3 woman share my heart.  I can't imagine the last 20+ years without them.  For that matter the next 20+ either!!  We don't get to spend as much time together as any of us would like, but I know that any time of day or night, I can depend on them and I hope they feel the same.  I love you, my Tennessee Golden Girls!!  Can't wait to see you all this weekend!!!!

 Day 5 - Today is Anthony's 19th Birthday.  WOW, it's hard to believe that almost 17 years ago, he entered my life as a 2 year old.  We've been through a lot.  He's my first child, but yet my baby.  That whole birth order thing didn't seem to be as important at the time, but I've learned a few things along the way!!  Anthony struggles.  He has low self esteem and unresolved anger.  He is Bi-Polar and ODD,  He has many challenges.  He's come a long way, but still has trouble excepting who he is in Christ and why that makes the difference.  I love all my boys with all my heart.  I don't know how to be any other way.  But I guess like most mom's our attention goes to the one who seems to need it the most.  Zachary and Anthony have competed for this spot most of our lives together.  Right now, Anthony is the focal point.  I don't love him more, I just see his struggle is greater at this time.  Please pray for him - and me!!  I know that he needs me and I know that in some ways, I have to let him go.  This balance has proven much harder than I ever imagined.  God has big plans for Anthony.  Sometimes Anthony forgets that we need to patiently wait and runs ahead with both barrels blazing, only to find out that it was God, but Anthony that wanted that path.  These are the growing pains that we all experience.  The ones that made our parents concerned and sometimes lay awake at night praying or in tears.  It seemed easier to be on the child end then it is on the parent end.  It makes me appreciate my parents so much more, but that's another post ;-).  Mainly, I just want to say that I AM very thankful for Anthony and I covet your prayers on his behalf and on mine.  I know God has a plan and like the comforting words to an old Twila Paris song, "I Will Listen" and I pray Anthony will too.

A new adventure....

Tomorrow is a BIG day for me!!  Not just for me, but for a group of 50 Kids and some volunteer mentors too!  Tomorrow is the first day of Discovery Bible Club at Highland Park Elementary School!!!!  I am so excited about this new ministry.  I can't wait to see what God does in the lives of these 50 (and hopefully soon more) Children!!  Last year a Discovery Bible Club began at Brown and the hope was that a second would begin at Highland Park.  As a part of Grace Church, I know several of the children in our neighborhood go to Highland Park.  This is just an additional way to tell them about Jesus and how much He really loves them!!

This is something that has been on my heart for years, but a little out of my comfort zone too.  I have had a pretty bad back week and I am unsure of exactly what all tomorrow will entail.  But I am stepping out on faith and I ask that you pray for physical strength and holy boldness. 

I will follow up tomorrow, with what I pray will be a very exciting report!!

Also, I meet with disability tomorrow at 9am, hopefully to move forward, prayers appreciated for this as well.

Nearly two years ago, Pastor Mark asked us to pray a BOLD prayer.  To ask God for something we wanted in our life, even if we saw no way that it could happen.  I prayed that I would be available to do more for the Kingdom, and although my disability is the reason I can, I know God answered that prayer.  I have been able to do "behind the scenes" things that I would have never been able to do before.  I know it is a bold step to commit to help every Thursday during school with Bible Club, but I know God will give me the strength to do what He wants me to do!  Phil. 4:13 tells me that I can do ALL things - through Christ .  I've prayed the bold prayer and I have listened and now I am going to move.

To God Be The Glory!!!!

It's so Overwhelming...

Christian Contemporary Artist, Big Daddy Weave, has a new song out called "Overwhelmed"  It accurately describes the awesome, overwhelming God that we serve.  The words are so poignant and real.  I have been singing the words over and over in my head for weeks. 

As many know, I have spent the last two Saturdays at Festivals with "Jodi's Jewels".  My last one is this week.  Anyway, the first one was a 2-day and it Rained and POURED and the wind blew and the weather did not cooperate, at all!  On the second day, when I knew that it was probably going to rain all day, I was getting ready to go and this song came to my mind.....I started thinking that I was currently overwhelmed, not in a good way.  I started to sing and ask God to let me be overwhelmed by HIM.  It still rained ALL day, but God was good to me and I still managed to have some good sales.

Yesterday, I was again overwhelmed, but in yet another way.  My nearly 14 month process for disability ended with APPROVAL After no income for almost18 months and one denial under my belt, I received this news and I almost couldn't believe it!!  Rest assured the process is by no means complete, but there is a glorious light at the end of the tunnel!!  As you can imagine, several times during this journey, I have been overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed by fear, depression, anxiety, pain, but also by God's peace and protection and the reminder that I was still His child and that he was holding me in His hand. 

I could tell you that I have "remained faithful" and "NEVER" felt alone, but I would be lying. I am only human and all the human fears that come when you have NO MONEY to pay bills, and have no idea what will happen next, have been sent by the enemy and sometimes in the strangest ways.  What I can tell you is that GOD was ALWAYS FAITHFUL....ALWAYS.  Even when I was scared and didn't know what would happen next, He was always there.  He held me when I was scared and comforted when I was frustrated.  He forgave me when I didn't trust him like I should.  I was many times overwhelmed by circumstances, but God's presence and peace, his love and forgiveness were far more overwhelming!

This morning during my quiet time, I thought about something else.  Yes, financially, my burden has been incredibly eased.  Physically, I do and will still struggle with pain and life changes that I wasn't ready for.  You know what?  The same overwhelming questions, fears, etc that will still come, will be nothing for my Heavenly Father.  I have trusted him and He has never let me down.

Everyone faces something.  Sometimes we think we are the only one who has to face problems.  We are not! God rains on the just and the unjust, the righteous and the unrighteous.  He is no respecter of persons.  The flip side of that, He is there for EVERYONE who will call upon him name.  What a precious promise!!!

Please  watch this video and remember  who God is  - He is overwhelming!!!

Is this my life?

This picture was my workspace today. Lots of cloth and sewing tools. I have been very crafty. Not my usual scrap booking or jewelry crafty, but sewing. This is really not usually my thing. I guess I kinda go in spurts. My grandmother taught me how to sew and the summers with her, sewing and making quilts are some of the fondest memories in my life. Since I was a kid though, not so much. This too shall (probably)pass so I am enjoying it while it's happening.
Over the last several weeks, I have been thinking a lot about my grandmother. I loved all my grandparents and had special relationships with both grandmothers, but I was especially close to my mom's mom. Grandma E. She was my "sweetie grandma". That's what all of my friends called her and, of course, I agree :)
The other day, I saw a young woman, probably in her 20's and she was helping (what appeared to be)her grandmother in Walmart. I got tears in my eyes, as I remembered all the shopping trips and times spent with my grams as an adult. I would give almost anything to have those times back. If I close my eyes, I can almost see myself in her apartment in Detroit. I can almost smell the food, hear Wheel of Fortune on the TV.....Anyway, sometimes I think about my life. Like the picture above, if you told me that in 2014, I would be spending countless hours making hand sewn crafts, I would have laughed out loud. Yet, here I am.
This weekend, my youngest cousin, Bill, got married in Pittsburgh. It's just Jill and Bill and me on my mom's side and although we're not best friend close, mainly due to never living geographically close when we were growing up, we've tried (mainly Jill and Bill) to be involved as much as we can in each others lives. Anyway, I have known about the wedding since earlier this year and had big hopes to be able to go. Zachary has always wanted to go the Philly and see the Liberty Bell and I dreamed of us taking the long way home and stopping. None of that happened... Over the last few years, I learned to just "roll with it" when things don't go my way. That's my life...
So here's the question, Is this my life? Yep, sure is! I am blessed and even though, sometimes I can honestly say, I'm not happy about everything in my life, I still have so much to be thankful for. In the last year, my family has faced some health issues with my mom. We recently found out some news that was definitely not the answer we had hoped for, we know that God is STILL in control.  In my human thinking, I ask, why?, I even ask, Are you kidding me? Really? But as I allowed, and continue to allow God to speak to my heart, I know that he has everything under control.  Does that mean, I like it?  NO!!!  I will never like or understand that my precious mom, one of the sweetest woman I know, is having to go through this trial!  Does that mean that in the midst of this trial, I will find a way to praise God? Yes, it does.  Who am I that I could ask that my family be spared, when I see brothers and sisters with just as much faith and just as sweet a testimony, going through things as bad or even worse? 
So this is my life.....Sewing, dreaming, disappointments, rejoicing, incredible blessings, heartache, struggle and one day....HOME.  Jesus, my grandma, Andrew and eternity without another care.  Yep, this is my life.  I might change things if I could, but ultimately I am trusting my heavenly Father, until I get home....

I'm Baaaacccckkkkk!!!!!

Wow nearly 3 years!! I can't believe it's been that long...well really I can. Over the last 2 or so years, I have been posting to Facebook and Instagram, what probably should have been blogged. In my defense, Life has really happened!!!! Moved to a new house, 2 graduations, health issues, loss of job, death, sickness, immense joy, new adventures, 2 trips to the beach (only one for me, but I can live vicariously :)). Like I said....LIFE. Anyway, I won't bore you with incredible details, but God has been telling me to BLOG again. So here I am. I tried to make this public, but couldn't, so if you ever want to add someone. have them send a request and I will add them as a follower. I really want this BLOG to serve as a ministry tool. By giving you a "Window Into My World", You will see the good, the bad and even some ugly, but hopefully will always see that God has a plan and if we just trust Him, he will direct us....even when times get tough. This week, I have had something just ringing in my head. When I pray, when I study, even today when a sweet friend came to pray for me. IF you know me, you know that I try my best to encourage. I feel it is one of my strengths and quite frankly, my calling. Does that mean I NEVER get discouraged or sad or doubtful or look up to the sky and say, "Really, God?" OF COURSE NOT!!!! I used to think it was a sin to question God. Job questioned God many times....He never cursed God, but he did question. God is a great big God!!! He can handle our humanness....After all He made us! He can take our questions, even our doubts. He just wants them to be followed up by our recognition that we don't have to understand, we just have to trust. One of my favorite passages is Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, Acknowledge HIM and he will direct your path." What incredible comfort. Now if we start winging it on our own and doing our own thing, that's a different story! He makes provision for us to come back, but we can't be surprised if there are a few detours, from our own navigating! My life has not been easy. Really, Who's has??? But, with that, I will admit that sometimes, my burden has been heavy. I have wondered how much more until I break. I can honestly say, I've thought I was there, but His grace has ALWAYS, I mean ALWAYS been enough!!! The evil one, the devil, Lucifer, the serpent, the slithering snake, as I like to call him, is limited in his days. He knows that he will never see Heaven and that he needs to destroy as many as he can while here on earth. This does not mean we need to help him!!! We need to guard our heart. Stay in the Word. Have friends that can keep us accountable. Someone to "talk us off the ledge" so to speak. If we surround ourselves with the things of the world, how can we possible be upset when it seems God is nowhere to be found???? I am not saying that we are not a part of this world, let's face it, we are the LIGHT of this world, if we know Jesus!! But that doesn't mean that the world can't tell us apart from themselves. That doesn't mean we're better, it just means we're different. It doesn't mean we shun, it just means we don't embrace sin. We are called to love God, above all, and love our neighbor as our self. If we ALL practice this, the world would be turned upside down, but in a good way, not like it is right now!! I'm sure, by this point, you're thinking, "she hasn't blogged in 3 years and she's saying everything under the sun with no real point", I hope that you will change your mind in a minute......The point is, Life can be a tough road. God is always enough. Don't let the enemy steal your joy! Over the next little while, I will share stories from my own life. I hope they will help you in your own life. I can't say that I will BLOG everyday, but I will try to be more consistent. 30 days of Thankful is coming up in November, so maybe I'll be in the habit by then. Most of all, if you don't know Jesus, I mean personally, as your very best friend, find Him. Ask me, ask someone. He LONGS to be your Savior. He died for you. He loves you more than anyone...ANYONE....HE loves you more than you love yourself. He is the peace that passes all understanding. Trust me, when the phone rings with bad news. When the pain (physical, emotional or mental) seems to much to bear. When you feel like you cannot go on. When you feel all alone...like no one else cares or understands, I promise Jesus is more than enough. As I share my life, I pray that you will see that nothing I have EVER faced has been to big for my God. He is a GREAT BIG GOD and he holds us in His Hands!! Jodi

JULES

Today is day 4 of thankful and today I am thankful for Jules.

18 years ago my sister married a great guy who is more like a brother to me than a brother in law. Jack and Jill went up the hill to take their wedding vows........Over many years, they tried to have a baby and many times decided that it would probably never happen, but then God intervened and all these years later - JULES. My beautiful neice. She is a fighter. In her first 11 months she has faced several struggles. She was born with some complications and for the first 5 months of her life she was at UofM hospital a large majority of the time and had mutiple surgeries. All the while, she has kept a beautiful smile and a happy disposition. She is fiesty and full of life. She is crawling and pulling herself up and probably soon will be walking. I never knew that I could love a child as much as my own, but this is pretty darn close! I know that God has big plans for this little girl as he continues to write her story. I am so thankful to have her in my life. I am also thankful for all of my friends and family who have prayed for Jules, Jack and Jill and I ask that you will continue as we continue to walk through Jules complete recovery.

Enjoy the pics of the most beautiful girl in my world :)

Thirty Days of Thankful

This week started the month of November and our family's tradition of 30 days of thankful.

So far I have been thankful for my boys - day 1, my job - day 2 and Jeffrey Woody - today day 3.

Over the next 27 days I am going to try to share what I am thankful for each day and more details, like I did last year. I am sure that some things I am thankful for will be the same and some will be new, different, spontaneous or maybe even random.

The Bible tells us "In every thing give thanks" I am trying very hard to that those words to heart, A friend recently said that in a "come to Jesus" moment, she told God that no matter what, whether He ever blessed her again, or ever felt his presence again, or ever got another thing in this life - she was going to be thankful and praise him for all he had already done. This touched my heart and reminded me that I am more blessed than I deserve and that God owes me NOTHING, He gave his very life for the redemption of my soul and for this there is much reason to give thanks.....

I'm Not Strong Enough.....but HE is!

Last week I shared about my struggle with singing. I also mentioned that God was leading me a new direction. The new direction that God is leading me is to work with the Single Mom Ministry at my church. I already work in the children's ministry and help with the Student Ministries. I facilitate our monthly Book Club and have assisted in leading our Life Group. So when God began to lay this on my heart,my first response was "Lord are you sure?!?!" I immediately began to give God all the reasons that I couldn't do it, that I didn't have enough time and that well I wasn't really the person that needed to lead......All the while God was saying - trust me....I want you to do it and I will give you what you need. Well we have had 2 meetings and formed a preliminary leadership team and are planning our first event! I am very excited about the possibilities that God has in store. Please pray that we will follow his direction and that I will do what he would have me to do.
This week I am burdened for several people in my life that are hurting. It seems that everywhere we turn there is trial and tribulation. Sometimes we wonder how we will hang on....I myself have concerns and struggles and sometimes feel that I am all alone. I am so glad that I know that I am NOT ALONE. I have Jesus and that is really all that I need!!
I heard a song a couple weeks ago and I heard it again today - I am sharing the words to encourage you and me. It is by Matthew West and called "Strong Enough". Hope it is a reminder of where our strength comes from.
"I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up - I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough - Strong enough
For the both of us"

What a weekend...

This weekend was the end of our Fall Break here in Columbia. It has been a two week break for the last several years, but this year we had a revised school schedule so it was just one week instead. Last Friday, we went to see "Courageous" - Awesome movie by the way, if you haven't seen it please do. Anyway, it was Jeff's weekend so when we were done, I dropped the boys off and had a quiet weekend. This week Zachary worked 4 hours everyday at the TRC - State Voc Rehab Traning Rehab Center. Anthony spent every afternoon at the YMCA and no big plans, vacations or trips were planned for any of us. So Thursday night during a water aerobics workout at the Y, I smelled what smelled like roasted marshmellows. Well I started thinking how good that would be and that I had a little firepit that I bought on clearance the first Fall that the boys were on our own - and never used. We had already planned to have Little Caesars Hot and Ready pizza for dinner Friday night so why not get some marshmellows and have a bonfire to end Fall Break. So that's exactly what we did. Why did we wait 3 years to do this?? It was fun. We even sang songs. It was a great start to the weekend. Saturday, we had planned to take our annual Fall pictures and Zachary's Senior pictures. We got up and left the house around 10:30am. 6 hours, 5 wardrobe changes and 8 locations later....we returned. It was a long day, but it was fun and a great memory that I am so thankful to have shared with Zachary. We got some great pictures. So many infact that I am not sure how we will choose :) Thanks to a friend from church who loaned us a previous year CHS graduation gown and cap, I had the chance to include several pics of my future grad and let me tell you - what an emotional day! It is hard for me to believe that Zachary will graduate in just 7 months! We rounded off the weekend with church - great Sunday School, an awesome worship service and message from Pastor Mark. Then we had Zachary's baseball game and a quiet evening at home. As I prepare for another busy week with work, school, meetings, church and every day life, I pause to thank God that he is in control and he loves me. I pray for a sweet family that is hurting. I seek that God will form me to allow him to fit me like a glove - a tailormade garment that I wear to honor him...... God is truly good.... I have shared a few pics from the weekend and a video of Zachary's Senior pics.

Will Shania find her voice again? Why not??

Shania Twain recently had a reality show. She has been through some personal issues (her husband left her for her best friend) and she never really dealt with the death of her parents when she was a child. Due to all of this she recently has stopped singing and has felt a strain on her voice. She went on a cross country journey to try and once again "find her voice". Now I am definately not Shania Twain, but have felt a bit of a kindred spirit to her for several reasons. Over the last several years, I have somewhat lost my voice. I sang for years in church and for other gatherings, but recently I have felt like I lost my voice. Singing has always been my refuge, I still sang in the car, with the kids, occassionally at my mom and dad's church, but something was just not the same. I know that I have not used it and lost some of it. But lately I have felt that God was urging me to start singing again. Now I don't know what that means but tonight was Song/Writer's night for our Student Ministries. For the last several (we have them every 3-4 months) I have felt that God was telling me to sing. I have prepared several times, but just couldn't do it. Even this time, it seemed that even though I said I would sing, I was trying to find a way out. I prayed this afternoon and asked God to let me find my voice. When I listened to myself as I practiced, it just sounded so strained and forced and I could hear Satan whisper - you will never be able to do it again.....Right up until the moment that they called my name, I felt like I couldnt do it. But I knew that no matter what happened, I HAD to do it.....Back to Shania, she saw doctors and therapists and new age gerus and then Lionel Richie asked her to sing a duet on a remake of "Endless Love". She was nervous and scared and after several attempts felt like she couldnt't do it. She just sang and when the time came, she BELTED it out and sounded just as good as she always did. As I watched it I cried, joy for her and hope for me....She had regained her confidence, even if just for that one moment, That gave her the confidence to try again and continue trying. Well tonight, I had my version of the "Lionel Richie Momemt" I was so scared and while it may not have been my best performance, I DID IT! I sang, there were technical difficulties and my voice was shaky, but I did it! I hope that God was honored and I hope that I can do it again. So will Shania - find her voice again? I hope so and I hope that Jodi has too.

10 months already????

WOW 10 months ago today, I blogged my last blog! Where did the time go??? Not that nothing "blog worthy has happened just that somehow I lost my motivation to blog. I was thinking today that we were getting close to Nov and 30 days of thankful and realized that after last year's great start to blogging...well I just quit. So I am going to try again. I feel like I have lots of things to share - even if no one wants to listen :) Anyway, here is a small synopsis on my life over the last 10 months....
*I AM AN AUNT to a beautiful baby girl - Jules Mary Elizabeth. She was 10 months old yesterday. She is a wonderful beautiful strong little girl who has changed all of our lives. God has BIG plans for her!
*My son turned 18 - wow not only that he started his Senior year and has a job - Who knew that little Zachary would grow up so fast!
*My other son is almost 16 and wants to drive and have a job - he just started his sophomore year - how did my baby get so bog???
*I have lost 44.7 pounds since Feb 23 and a total of 164 since I began a weight loss journey in 2006
*God has recently shown me that he wants to use me in a new direction and I am waiting to see where that will take me (stay turned for details :) )
*God has been faithful and treated me better than I deserve
*I turned 44 this year - of all the age "milestones" among my family this year this seems insignificant, but I still think of myself as 28 so almost mid-40's seems a bit strange
*Fall is here - my favorite season....leading into my favorite Holidays. I look forward to a Photo shoot this weekend. Senior pics for Zachary and family pics for the boys.

Anyway there it is in a nutshell...hope to share more frequent "windows into my world" in the future.

Thanks for reading....or not...either way I have some thoughts that I need to share:)